


Solitude

by unknowableroom_archivist



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-02-12
Updated: 2006-02-12
Packaged: 2019-01-19 14:41:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,817
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12412266
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/unknowableroom_archivist/pseuds/unknowableroom_archivist
Summary: Remus Lupin has a secret that not even his best friends James, Sirius and Peter know. He can't let anyone know because this secret involves none other than Lily Evans. (One-Shot)





	Solitude

**Author's Note:**

> Note from ChristyCorr, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [Unknowable Room](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Unknowable_Room), a Harry Potter archive active from 2005-2016. To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project after May 2017. I e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [Unknowable Room collection profile](http://www.archiveofourown.org/collections/unknowableroom).

**Disclaimer:** The title and song lyrics of “Solitude” are all property of Evanescence.

Solitude

**I’ve often considered** myself a loner. There’s just something about the peace and quiet that I find when I’m by myself it’s almost like a spiritual experience. I don’t shun other people away, I do enjoy their company, but majority of the times I prefer to sit alone with my thoughts and get carried away in my daydreams. Perhaps I’m foolish but it’s that little pleasure of life that I need to feel once in a while to feel sane. There is only one other time when I feel that same spiritual feeling and that only happens when she’s around.

 I sit beneath a large willow out on the grounds of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. I sit with my book open trying to keep to myself, trying to blend into the tree behind me. I don’t like to call attention to myself, that’s just how I am. The less people know about me the better.

It’s not that I don’t have friends, I do, in fact the three best friends anyone could ever ask for and I’m ever so thankful to have met people as great as them. They are not with me right now because they are around somewhere causing havoc. I should be the one to tell them to ease up and settle down, but how can I after everything they’ve done for me. I would probably have joined them, but I am too afraid. I rather play it safe, even if it does classify me as chicken. They understand and don’t judge me. 

Today I just rather sit outside and read. Or pretend to read. I know she will come and perhaps she’ll want to talk to me. I want to be here for when that moment comes. I don’t want to miss it.

They don’t know that. They think I’m just here to stay out of trouble. They think I’m here because my book is much more interesting than any silly old prank. It has always been that way to them. But not for me, they’ve never known and I don’t think they will. I don’t plan to tell them, I don’t want to tell anyone. Not even her. 

Why would I pass up on the thrill of setting exploding cockroaches lose in Snape’s bag? Because she’s the only one that can make me stop. Lately, she’s the only one who I see. This makes me a little embarrassed, even with myself. I find myself blushing even when I am not around her. I don’t know if that is healthy. I feel as though perhaps I have gone insane. Am I obsessive or deranged? I answer no, to calm myself, but perhaps in some twisted way I am. Because I long to see her everyday. I long for the butterflies in my stomach to return, and I want to feel as though we aren’t on earth anymore. I wonder what she would think if I told her these things? Would she laugh or would she run away? I don’t think I want to know. I am shy, and if she ever found out, I don’t think I could ever look at her straight in the eye again. 

            Suddenly she appears through the great front doors of the old castle. As usual my heart begins to beat faster and I suddenly forget what my first name is. I’m secretly praying that she will notice me and walk over to where I sit. I pretend to read from this great big book sitting on my lap. It would maybe be a lot more interesting if I didn’t have her on my mind. I spy on her from the corner of my eye and see my clammy hands flip a page. Why do I pretend to be so unaware of her existence when I know where she is at every minute of every hour? 

            She stands with a friend at the gate and I can see her smile. I secretly hope that today she will smile for me. It’s difficult to explain but I always feel better when she smiles. I don’t know what it is about her smile but it’s almost as if it gives me hope. Suddenly my poor mediocre life doesn’t seem so mediocre. And I think that perhaps if I could see her smile at least once every day the torments of my life would not seem so bad.

            Turning her eyes over to where I sit, my heart manages to give me a scare, for it always seems to stop at the very second she glances my way. I bring my attention once more to my book and pretend to read, but it feels as though I’ve never even seen words before. I manage to repeat the same line again and again in my head. I look at her once more and she’s waving her friend goodbye as she walks in my direction. I realize once more that no matter how many times I tell myself to stay calm, cool and collected it never works. It fails every time. My nerves are on end and I don’t want to mess up. I want to be perfect. I want to be whatever she wants me to be.

            “Hey, why are you here all by yourself?” she asks once she’s standing right next to me. She kneels down next to me and sits down cross-legged. She pats down her skirt and I watch her small delicate hands as she does it. I believe that even if she’d never touched me I would’ve known how soft they were. But I loved confirming it again and again, every time she took my hands it was like feeling them for the first time. Her touch was so gentle, I always wished she wouldn’t let go, and when she did I wanted to hold her again. It was like holding warm sand and letting it slip through your fingers, or the strong breeze of November caressing your face. 

            “I didn’t think it was such a great idea to get into trouble today,” I reply trying to sound casual, hoping the nervousness in my voice doesn’t show. I take deep breaths for at times it feels as though I’m just going to shiver violently.

            She looks at me and smiles just as I knew she would. Her smile is wonderful, it always feels like a lullaby is being sung to my soul, but it’s an even better feeling when I’m the one that enticed it. Her green eyes fall upon my face and as much as I’d love to look into them I look away and return to staring into my boring, not beautiful book. 

            “It’s always something with them, isn’t it? I bet they’ve gone after Severus again,” she says the smile still upon her lips.

            I look up at her once again and marvel at the beauty of her face. Perhaps others would see her beauty too but not the way I do. To me she’s like a goddess, with beauty like no other. Her red hair falls over her shoulders as she leans over and presses her cheek against her fist and leans her elbow on her knee. She lifts one of her hands to pull her hair away from her face and tucks it behind her ear. Everything about her, every movement is so graceful. I wish to be able to watch her forever.

            “If it’s a day ending in ‘Y’ then you can count on it,” I say forcing myself not to look away.

            She laughs and I feel as though I’ve won first place in a race. To see her smile is one thing, to hear her laugh is another. I don’t think there is another sound I rather hear than her laughter.

            “James will never change will he?” she asks looking away once more. Her laughter has died out and her face suddenly looks sullen. My heart plummets down and I know why she’s bringing James into the conversation; another of the reasons why no one must ever know how I feel about her. 

            I’ve lost track of how long James has fancied her. Unsuccessfully, of course, because James, as in love as he is with her, he can’t see her the way I do. He can’t see that she deserves everything and more. They couldn’t be more different and part of me guiltily rejoices at this huge gap that separates them.

            James is reckless and irresponsible. He is arrogant and egoistical. He is indeed a great person, beneath the troublemaker there is a good heart; an understanding heart that could do amazing things for many people as he has done for me. But he doesn’t know when it’s okay to be one way and when to be the other. He can’t see that she needs more than that. It would take a great effort from him to change for her. 

            She on the other hand, apart from being unbelievably beautiful has a kind, noble and humble heart. She knows just when to put herself aside for others. She reaches out for you in your most dire time of need. She truly listens to what you have to say. She helps, and not out of pity or obligation, she helps because she wants to. She is sweet and treats everyone with equality. No one is more or less than she is. She always manages to see the best in people even when they can not see it in themselves, and this is perhaps why I am so captivated by her. As amazing as my friends are to me, she has done something no one else has been able to do. She’s helped me to see the person inside of me, to love myself despite what I am, and taught me to never lose hope. 

            James could never and would never understand that. As smart as he is it was too complicated for him. Yet, perhaps these same qualities are the ones that have him worshiping the ground she walks on. I can’t blame him, for I am very much the same way. Except that James lets her know every chance he gets how he feels about her. I, on the other hand, prefer to hide in the shadows of my feelings for her. Even if Lily was too good for James I would never be good enough for her.

             I hear loud laughter approaching us and I do not need to turn around to see who it is. I already know it’s James, Sirius and Peter returning from causing trouble. Lily purses her lips in disapproval and looks at me for support. I am caught in the middle, because they are my friends and could never let them down, but she is the one my heart wishes to please. I say nothing and look at my book feeling ashamed, feeling as though I will forever be caught in between.

            “Moony, you don’t know what you’ve missed!” Sirius exclaims letting himself fall somewhere behind me. He is gasping for breath as he begins to laugh again. I do not comment or look at him. I prefer to remain quiet than to look bad in front of her.

            I look at James who has stopped laughing. His eyes are fixed on Lily and for the first time that day he looks a bit awkward. He runs his hand through his hair and ruffles it up as he always does when she’s around. He fixes his glasses on his face and walks over to where she sits and says, “Hello, Lily,”

            “Hey,” she replies not looking at him but her voice doesn’t contain the usual coldness that she uses when speaking to him. In fact, it almost sounds friendly.

            “How are you?” he asks.

            Suddenly everyone has gone quiet, not just myself. Sirius coughs behind me and Peter stares rudely from James to Lily like a child watching the teacher making mental notes.

            “Fine,” she replies once again in a casual tone. She glances at me nervously and I am left even more confused about all of this. I wish for a moment that I could read her mind and know what she’s thinking but before I even try to decipher her actions she stands up and says, “I’m leaving now, goodbye.”

            Her sudden rush to leave, even though it really shouldn’t, leaves me astounded. I cannot mutter a word as she leaves and the only person who speaks a clear goodbye is James who continues to stare as she walks away and disappears back into the castle. For a second, I curse the fact that they are now here with me and have made her leave. If they’d only taken a few minutes longer it we could’ve really started a conversation. But I take it all back immediately, for they are my friends and I shouldn’t get carried away with feelings about something that can never be.

            “Why does she always leave?” James asks nonplussed, as if this is such a difficult question to find an answer to. “Why can’t she linger just a bit longer and let me show her who I really am?”

            “Because she already sees who you really are,” I mumble not bothering to look up at him.

            “What do you mean?” he asks as he sits down across from me on the grass.

            “He means give it up she thinks you’re a jerk,” Sirius blurts out somewhere from behind me.

            I smirk at Sirius’s blunt comment and watch as James rolls his eyes. “You’d know, right, Padfoot?”

            “Actually,” I say hesitantly. “He’s got a point.”

            “Oh, thanks a lot, Moony,” James replies as he drops unto his back and stares up at the branches of the willow hovering above us. He lets out an exasperated breath and I immediately feel guilty for having said anything. It always happens this way. Even though I prefer to keep quiet sometimes I can’t help myself. Who am I to tell James what he is or does when it comes to pursuing Lily? I myself have never done anything and will probably never do anything to get her to look at me in that way. He on the other hand has done much more than me. 

            “I just meant,” I begin trying to choose my words carefully. “You know that Lily doesn’t approve of your irresponsible attitude when it comes to pranks and the way you seem so arrogant about your popularity all the time.”

            James raises his head and eyes me skeptically with one eyebrow up. “How do you know all of this?”

            “It doesn’t take a psychic to know, Prongs,” Sirius says and I can hear him sitting up and moving closer to the trunk of the tree.

            I give James a sympathetic smile. “Lily talks to me about these things.”

            “She talks to you about me?” James asks sitting up straight and moving closer to me, his eyes wide with curiosity. “What does she say? Does she really hate me?”

            “She doesn’t talk about your feelings for her or vice versa,” I say my eyes darting towards the book on my lap. “She only mentions her general comments about what she sees from your behavior.”

            James bites his lower lip, “Do you think she would like me to change who I am?”

            “No,” I say. “She doesn’t need you to change completely. Perhaps if you became a bit more responsible, level headed and not so arrogant she might give you the time of day.”

            Furrowing his brow and looking distant I can tell he is thinking hard now. Had it been any other person they would’ve told James the complete opposite so that he would’ve had no chance with her. But above anything James is my friend, and I could never lie to him or do or say anything to hurt him.

            “I can do it,” James suddenly says in a low voice.

            “Do what?” Peter asks.

            “I can make myself better for Lily, that’s what she wants right? With her as my inspiration I can do it.” James insists.

            “You cannot be serious!” Sirius exclaims behind me.

            “Padfoot, my good old mate,” James says. “Perhaps you will never understand what it is like to fall for one girl and really want to dedicate your time to her.”

            “Why? There’s so many of them I don’t see why you should only dedicate your time to one.” Sirius says.

            I turn around and see a mischievous smirk plastered all over his face and now I roll my eyes but cannot help smiling at his comment.

            “If Lily wants me to be serious then I will change,” James says. “After all this is our last year at Hogwarts, perhaps it’s time to settle down.”

            Sirius lets out a bark-like laugh. “There’s enough time to settle down after Hogwarts. We’ve got our whole life ahead of us.”

            “That’s your view of it, Padfoot, but I think differently on this matter. Lily’s the only girl I have eyes for.” James says.

            And as he speaks I feel my heart ache. I avert my eyes again and turn my face so that they can’t see the sadness that has come over it. In some way I feel afraid. When James sets his mind on something he usually gets it. He could very well win Lily’s heart with some effort. And then she would be completely off limits to me. Even though I know she and I can never be it hurts me know she will be with someone else because I too only have eyes for her.

            

            

            **The morning is quiet** as I sit by myself in the Great Hall. It is quite early and there is hardly anyone here. I find this ideal since I can sit by myself for a while without the noise to distract me. My friends continue sleeping; I don’t think they’ve ever seen the beauty of an early morning like this. A chilly breeze sweeps through and I smell the fresh air letting it fill my lungs. I exhale and close my eyes. A picture of her face is before me and I wish for a second that it would be real. I open my eyes and look around. She will be coming soon. She’s always awake at this time, tending to her Head Girl duties.

            Lily truly deserves to be Head Girl. There is no other girl more suitable for the position than her. I always knew it’d be her. And secretly the summer before our seventh year I wished that I would get picked as Head Boy. I’d been prefect for the past two years and I had my heart set on it. Mostly because I knew it would mean being around her longer. Then James announced he’d been chosen and I felt my heart plummet to the floor all while still wearing the biggest grin on my face.

            “Wow, James, congratulations! You see how much you can do when you set your mind to it?” I’d said.

            I was happy for him, I truly was. I knew how much it meant to him to achieve something like this. As much as Sirius and Peter had teased him he couldn’t care. He knew it was one point up for him on the “Get Lily Interested In You” scoreboard. The fact that he got chosen was proof of his improvement and Lily would approve of that. I on the other hand knew that this would mean he would spend the extra time with her that I’d been dreaming of. Disappointed as I was, I’d had to suck it in and be happy for my friend.

            There are only about ten other students in the Great Hall. I look down at my book, pick my quill up and prepare to make some notes but before I even realize it I’m drawing the letters ‘L’ and ‘E’ at the lower corner of my book. I trace over them over and over until the letters become dark and thick. 

            “Morning, Remus,” I hear her voice say somewhere above me.

            Startled I begin to scribble over her initials praying that she hasn’t seen what I was doing.

            “Hey,” I reply casually while I furiously etch away my own handwriting. I look up to meet her frowning face while two emerald green eyes gaze down upon me befuddled.

            She sits next to me and I look at my book out of the corner of my eye. The ‘L.E.’ is now completely covered and I proceed to close my book. I turn to look at her and smile. “Morning.”

            She frowns quizzically but smiles. My smile widens as I feel my heart turn to mush inside of me. She looks away and places her book on the table next to mine. She reads quietly for a few minutes. I reopen my book to a new page and pretend to be in deep concentration while I constantly glance at her out of the corner of my eye.

            “Remus, can I talk to you…about something?” she suddenly asks looking at me.

            I raise my eyebrows in surprise and look at her troubled face and realize that something is truly bothering her.

            “Sure, of course, you know you don’t have to ask,” I say.

            Lily gives me a small smile and I feel as though I’m holding my breath just waiting for her to speak.

            “Well,” she begins quickly averting her sight away. This worries me, she’s never been afraid to tell me anything. Whatever she has to say must be really important.

            “It’s about James,” she says.

            She looks at me and I raise my eyebrows encouraging her to go on while trying not to show my disappointment. “What about him?”

            She hesitates a little before answering, “He asked me out again yesterday.”

            “Oh,” I reply miserably not being able to help myself. I look away and clear my throat. I tell myself that this will continue to happen until James finally gets tired of it; it’s nothing I haven’t heard before.

            “Sorry he keeps insisting…but I’m certain he’ll give up sooner or later…what’d you say to him this time?”

            “I told him I needed to think about it.”

            My heart suddenly freezes and my head jerks upwards, eyes widened as I stare at her in shock. Did she just say what I thought I heard her say?

            Lily’s cheeks immediately match the color of her hair and I know that I wasn’t just hearing things. 

            “Why-why’d you do that?”

            She looks away again. “Well, that’s what I wanted to talk to you about, Remus.”

            Huh?

            “James has changed quite a bit. He said he’s doing it for me and I’ve seen it…he’s really changing,” she says quickly. “Remus, you’re one of his best friends and you know him better than anyone. I just…I guess I just wanted to talk to you about this and know what your opinion is.”

            “My opinion?” I ask and I detect a bit more bitterness in my tone than I’d intended. “Why do you want my opinion? Please, don’t let whatever I think influence your feelings on James.”

            “I’m not…that’s not it…I just want to talk to someone who will understand. I could just ask one of the girls or even Sirius Black, if I was out of my mind and really desperate. But I need to talk to someone unbiased, who will listen to me, someone who always knows just the right thing to say; someone who will talk with sense. Remus, there’s no better person with whom I’d feel more comfortable talking about this than you.”

            I restrain myself from laughing out loud. Unbiased? Me? The one who’s been secretly pining for my best friend’s love interest? The one who’s been secretly wishing James would give up on her? The one who’s often pleaded guilty on fantasizing about the day in which I could feel Lily’s lips against mine and run my fingers through her hair? Even though I knew that day would never come.

            “I’m not unbiased, Lily, I’m James’s friend,” I tell her closing the book that sits open in front of me on the table.

            “I know you are, but you’re not afraid of talking with the truth which is what I love so much about you.” 

            I look up at her and sigh. How can I let myself be carried away with my feelings? Deep down inside I knew this day would someday come. I’d hoped it wouldn’t, but it did. I thought I was prepared for it but apparently I was wrong. I look at her delicate hands resting on her lap and sigh again.

            “James has changed indeed. He’s really fighting with himself to change his old careless and irresponsible ways. And yes he’s doing it all for you,” I say not looking at her in the eye. “Beneath the arrogance and egoism James is really a great person. He cares about his friends and would never let them down. He’s really loyal and would never lie about the way he feels. He wouldn’t hurt anyone unless that someone is Severus but he’s an exception.”

            Lily giggles softly at this and I manage to give her a small crooked smile. 

            “He may not ever become the perfect man. He may not ever be your suave prince charming and he maybe be a bit of a hot head for the rest of his life but the point of the matter is that he’s trying and that’s what really counts and the fact that he would try to give up so much and change so much of himself to keep the girl of his dreams happy.”

            I look at her and she’s smiling. I can see her eyes sparkle and I feel my heart sinking lower into my stomach. She’s so in love with him at this moment a blind person could see it.

            “If you give James a chance to let him prove himself to you…you’re not making a mistake.”

            “Oh, Remus,” she says biting her lower lip trying to keep her smile to a minimum and before I know it she’s leaning towards me embracing me. 

“I know I’m not making a mistake, I just needed to hear it from you,” she adds. “I’ve been so afraid to tell anyone how I feel but I knew you’d be the only person who’d understand. Thank you so much for everything, Remus, I knew I could count on you. You’re always there when I need you and I’ll be forever thankful. Thank you for being such a great friend to me.”

I gently wrap my arms around her and lightly pat her back as I reply with tears in my eyes, “Don’t mention it.”

            **“I’m taking Lily** to Madam Puddifoot’s today. That’s where couples go to get cozy so you lads know the drill. Don’t come looking for me. This Hogsmeade weekend is all about Lily,” James says as he stares into the mirror in our dormitory. He pulls a sweater over his head and quickly begins to fix the collar of the shirt underneath it.

            “Thank you for reminding us again, Prongs, you’ve only told us one hundred other times,” Sirius replies rolling his eyes.

            “Just so you know, I just know you too well,” James says. “So no pranks please, I want our first Valentine’s Day together to be special.”

            “Don’t worry about it, we’ll just go get some sweets at Honeydukes and keep as far away from that place as possible. I’m thinking of finding Snivellus and giving him a Valentine’s Day present,” Sirius adds.

            “That sounds great!” Peter exclaims excitedly.

            “Moony?” 

            I look up at Sirius who’s looking at me from where he’s laying on his bed across the room. 

            “No thanks,” I reply. “I think I’ll skip this one out. I’m gonna work on some homework.”

            James is now furiously fighting to make his hair stay down. “You mean you’re not going to Hogsmeade?”

            “It’s not obligatory that I go,” I say.

            “He’s just embarrassed because he doesn’t have a valentine,” Sirius says teasingly.

            I roll my eyes and continue writing.

            “I don’t see you with a date, Padfoot,” James says finally giving up on his hair.

            “I have one… that’s what Wormtail’s there for,” Sirius says and laughs.

            “Did everyone else already have a date?” James asks surprised turning to look at Sirius.

            “No, too many girls asked me to be their valentine so I said yes to all of them. They all found out and got into a huge fight so McGonagall gave them all detention.” Sirius replies casually as if this is the sort of thing that happens to him every year.

            James laughs. “Sorry to hear that, mate. Have fun making Snivellus’ day one to remember.”

            “I will,” Sirius replies with a smirk as he folds his arms behind his head. “I plan to embarrass him in front of Lesley Carmichael. There have been rumors that he fancies her.”

            “Oh, I’ve got to see that!” James exclaims. “Tell me what your plans are, maybe I can help!”

            “But aren’t you supposed to be at Madam Puddifoot’s with Lily?” I ask.

            “Lily won’t mind,” James says.

            “I suppose she’ll be thrilled that you’re going to help embarrass Severus in front of Lesley and most likely Lesley’s friends,” I continue without hesitation.

            “No,” James says obviously thinking of what to do. “I can tell her that Padfoot needs my help with a girl. Or that I had to meet you guys somewhere for a bit and that she should hang with her friends too. Or I could end the date early.”

            I put my paper down loudly and stare at James in disbelief, “So now playing a prank on Snivellus has become more important than Lily?”

            “That’s not what I said,” James replies.

            “It sure seems so.”

            “Look it’s just for a few minutes! It’s not like I’m ditching her.”

            “You might as well.”

            “What is the matter with you?”

            “You should be asking yourself that question.”

            Peter’s head has been turning from James to me watching us argue as if he were watching a ping pong tournament.

            I close my eyes for a second and try to recollect my cool. “Are you forgetting that this is your first Valentine’s Day with the girl you’ve spent years chasing? You sure never gave up on her all that time. So now you have her and you think it’s okay to push her to the side on a day that’s probably really important to her?”

            “I’m well aware of all the time and all the effort that went into trying to get her to let me date her. I’m not leaving her I just want to be part of this too,” James says lowering his tone.

            “What do you think she’ll say when she finds out you’ve preferred to spend the rest of your day making Severs’ life miserable than to be with her?”

            “She doesn’t have to know what I’ve gone to do.”

            “And you don’t think she will find out?”

            “I don’t see what the big deal is, Remus. If she finds out then she has to understand.” 

            I now know that James is really frustrated with me. He never calls any of us by our real names unless he’s about to blow his top. This is the first time since we gave each other nicknames that I’m hearing my real name directed at me by him.

            “Your first Valentine’s day together is like a first anniversary. She expects you to dedicate your time to her not to run off so you can go and act childish,” I say. “I think you’re just taking her for granted.”

            James’s eyes widen as he starts yelling again. “I’m taking her for granted? How dare you, Remus! These past months I’ve done nothing but devote myself to her! And what do you know about relationships anyway? Since when are you such an expert? I don’t remember seeing you with any girlfriends!”

            “You know very well that I rather not have a relationship with anyone because of my condition!” I’m yelling and I don’t know how to stop. It’s like I’ve literally stepped outside of myself and someone else has taken over. “I don’t think you treat Lily right. You don’t know how to make her feel truly loved; you don’t know what her greatest fears and her greatest dreams are. Lily deserves to be given anything and everything she wants! You haven’t even begun to realize what a great thing you’ve got and you sure don’t know how to value it.  In fact I think she deserves someone much better than you because you certainly don’t deserve her!”

            “You know the way you talk about her I’m beginning to think you’ve got feelings for her!” 

            At this point everyone in the room has fallen silent. Peter is still staring at James and me from where he’s been sitting on the floor. Sirius is sitting up straight on his bed staring at his jeans. James is standing across from me, his hands clenched into fists. And me, standing across from James staring out the window feeling a surge of different emotions wash over me. I feel like screaming, crying, laughing, kicking all at the same time. My chest is falling and rising quickly and I watch as small pinkish white flowers fall from a tree on the grounds.

            After a few seconds of awkward silence James turns, picks up a single rose from the table next to his bed and marches out of the room without another word. Peter scrambles quickly to his feet and begins to follow James out of the room. Sirius then sits up straight and swings his legs over the side of his bed. I turn to face the window completely. Suddenly I feel a warm hand squeeze my shoulder. I turn to look and I see Sirius standing behind me. He gives a sympathetic smile which lets me know he understands, perhaps more than I think he does. Without saying a word he gives me a pat on the back and turns to leave and once again I find myself surrounded by loneliness.

            I walk over to my bed and sit on its edge. I stare at my hands resting on my lap. I clench them into fists as I squeeze my eyes shut and a tear escapes my eye. I quickly wipe it away with the back of my hand.

            I never wanted to go off on James. I understand that even though he’s still trying to change and has done quite a bit of progress he can’t stay away from mischief concerning Severus. Lily would probably have not been happy about James being involved in another prank to hurt Severus but she would’ve gotten over it in a day. Perhaps I over did it and pushed it too far. 

I would’ve given up anything for her. I would’ve brought down the moon and the stars. I would’ve gone to the ends of the earth for her….or I would’ve at least tried. No one in my eyes would ever be good enough for Lily, not even I.

            

            **The lake is still**. It feels as though there isn’t or has ever been any life within it. I throw a pebble into it defiantly trying to disturb its peace. It makes a small splash and a few ripples follow only to have it return to its dormant state. I sigh and lean backwards on my elbows as I continue to stare out unto the lake.

            “Hey Remus.”

            I look up and see Lily standing beside me. She kneels down and sits next to me on the grass.

            “James told me about your argument,” she continues obviously wanting to get right to the point.

            I look at her as she stares at the lake. James and I had not mentioned the argument when he returned, neither had Sirius or Peter. We’d all gone on with our lives as if nothing had happened. Except for a few awkward moments of silence in which James and I felt as though we didn’t know what to say to each other. James, Sirius and Peter had decided not to go on with their plans to ruin Severus’ day after all. I was partly happy for this because it would make Lily happy and it would keep them out of trouble. But the other part of me had guiltily allowed myself to imagine what it would be like if James had gone along with it and he and Lily had broken up for it. I’d quickly shaken the thought out of my head feeling like the worst person on the face of the earth. What mattered was that Lily and James were happy and we were all still friends.

            “We’re fine now so you don’t have to worry about it,” I reply. “Sorry if I put James in a bad mood for the rest of your Valentine’s Day.”

            Lily smiles. “Don’t worry about it I understand why you did it.”

            “So he told you everything?”

            “Everything.”

            I swallow hard for a second. “ _Everything_ everything?”

            Lily laughs and I can feel goosebumps crawling up my arms. Did James mention the part about me possibly having feelings for her?

            “Yes, everything. He even confessed about having wanted to go ruin Severus’ day,” she says. “He told me everything you told him.”

            “Oh?”

            “Yes, he said you defended me with such rigor it scared him.”

            “Did it really?”

            “Yes.” She pauses and she looks thoughtful now. “He said you were right, that he doesn’t deserve me. He said when you said that to him that he realized what an idiot he was being. That maybe I deserved someone more like…you.”

            My heart skips a beat and I look up to meet her green eyes shining at me. I hold her gaze and sit transfixed in her eyes wishing that I would never have to look away.

            She reaches out and takes my hand in hers. Her hands are so soft I almost melt at the feeling. I watch her as she holds my hand and runs her thumb gently over the back of it.

            “I’m sorry I made him think that,” I say softly.

            “Don’t be sorry,” she says looking at our hands. “In fact, I wanted to thank you.”

            “Thank me?”

            “For standing up for me, for being so faithful, for always being there for me.”

            She looks up to meet my eyes. We stare at each other for a few seconds without speaking and then she raises her other hand and gently touches my cheek.

            It feels as though all the time I’ve spent trying to conceal my feelings have all gone in vain as I give in to that one moment. As much as I try to stop myself I know it’s useless now as I close my eyes and give in to the feeling of her soft hand against my cheek. I lift my hand and place it over hers on my cheek. I wrap my fingers around it and open my eyes.

            We look at each other, neither of us willing to look away. For once I am not afraid to look at her. I do not move my eyes away. I want to look at her more than ever now. She sees the truth in my eyes, I can tell, and she’s not afraid of it. Perhaps because the truth isn’t new to her; perhaps she’s known all along. And at that moment I am tired of hiding. I become another person once more like the day James and I argued. All I can see is her and all I can feel is my heart calling her name with every beat. 

            I lean over, closer to her, so that our faces are only inches apart. She does not move away and I close my eyes as I press my lips gently against hers. Her lips are soft and wet; they taste naturally sweet. She smells of spring and I can feel my head begin to spin in a whirlwind of thoughts and emotions, but her kiss keeps me grounded. She squeezes my hand, the one she was holding before. 

            I pull away and feel an urgent need to inhale deeply but feel as though it would be very rude to do so. I raise my eyes and look at her waiting anxiously for her reaction. She smiles softly but I see a trace of sadness in her eyes. A pang of guilt crosses my chest.

            “I love you, Remus,” she says. “I always will.”

            My heart races inside of me as she kisses the back of my hand and lets go. She slips her other hand away from my grasp and then slowly gets up still looking at me and smiling a sad smile. She turns and walks away.

            My heart slows down as I suddenly understand. Her words are true yet they take on a different meaning than the one I desperately wish was the true meaning. I then understand her sadness and I am filled with mine. It’s just the way it’s meant to be.

            **I feel as though** my life has been a constant charade, filled with fake laughter and suppressed tears. I’m always either hiding what I am; a murderous beast every full moon and a man in love with his best friend’s girl. I feel as though I’ve never had a chance to really be myself and at times I’ve often found myself wondering…who am I?

            A strong breeze blows through my coat and the golden brown leaves on the ground rise as if in worship and dance. They seem to be rejoicing for they are free to be as they like. Nothing matters, just the wind. I envy them.

            I kneel down and graze the inscription on the cold hard stone with my fingers. I don’t cry because the tears have run out. I read the words over and over again and no matter how many times I read them or how much time may pass it still seems surreal that I’m standing here trying to make a connection between this name and the girl in my memory.

**Lily Potter**

**1960-1981**

            

            The pain of her parting’s still fresh in my heart. The memory is still emblazoned in my mind as if it’d just happened yesterday. I was shocked, unbelieving, devastated. But I have tried not to think about it. My memory of Lily is not a night of tragedy in which her life and her husband’s were taken. Nor is it the image of a tomb stone with her name on it. My memory of Lily is of a bright smiling face, emerald green eyes sparkling with simple joy and her red mane celebrating life, the sweetness of her voice laughing so melodiously next to me, the softness of her lips against mine on our one and only kiss. I have always and will forever keep that memory fresh in my mind.

            Buried next to the one who were her husband and father of her only child, I feel guilty once more because even after death I still long to see her once again to kiss her just once more. 

            “I’m sorry,” I whisper softly reading the words of the tombstone next to hers: James Potter.

            Sorry because I still feel the same way I did that day we argued. Sorry because I still need her and I still miss her. Sorry for loving her as much as he did.

            I turn my eyes towards her again and run my hands over the tombstone once more. I’m a lonely person. I’ve always been…but without her I’ve been dead. Dead amongst the living. A lonely, dead soul dwelling on nothing else but memories. 

            The loneliness that has surrounded me is the only true friend that has never deserted me and has never asked miracles of me. It is understanding and undemanding. In its face I may think aloud and be myself, unrevised. For many years it was my source of solace and my only support. To be alone for a while and be able to feel to what I feel. Yet today it’s the only friend I’ve got and the one I truly wish would leave.

            I reach into my coat’s pocket and pull a piece of paper out. 

            “I wrote something the other day,” I say as if she was listening and somehow I know she is. “You confided your deepest secrets in me. You said you felt most comfortable talking to me about how you really felt and I realized that I never really told you my deepest secrets or how _I_ really felt.”

            I place the paper on the grass next to her tombstone and press down on it with my fingers.

            “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner, but you were always a very special person to me. Regardless of how much time passed my feelings for you never changed.”

            I take a deep breath and say the words I’ve always forbidden myself from saying aloud. “I love you, Lily. I always will.”

            These are the most honest words I have ever spoken and with them they carry meaning like no others. For I truly loved her with every ounce of my being and I always will.

            I let go of the paper and turn around as I begin to walk away. The wind blows once more, this time stronger than before. Leaves all around me are being lifted off the ground; I look over my shoulder quickly and see the paper too dancing with the leaves. And then I feel her presence smiling at my poem with a sad glint upon her emerald green eyes.

_How many times have you told me you love her? As many times as I've wanted to tell you the truth How long have I stood here beside you? I live through you You looked through me_ __

__

_Solitude, Still with me is only you_

_Solitude, I can't stay away from you_ __

___How many times have I done this to myself? How long will it take before I see? When will this hole in my heart be mended? Who now is left alone but me?_ __

Solitude, Forever me and forever you

___Solitude, Only you, only true_ __

Your secret admirer Who could it be?

__

Can't you see? All along it was me

__

_Solitude, Still with me is only you_

_Solitude, I can't stay away from you_

_Solitude, Forever me and forever you_

_Solitude, Only you, only true_ __

__


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